EXCLUSIVE!

WRAPPERCHUTING IS HOT NEW FAD

Wrapperchuting is an ancient torture method practiced in Warrenia (the alternate dimension where the twins and Asa live). It is performed by placing your chin on an object or human (most commonly used to get back at someone who has just annoyed you) and opening and closing your mouth repeatedly, keeping your chin on the object/human. It was once only practiced in Warrenia but is now becoming more widespread. Wrapperchuting (pronounced RAP- er-shoot-ing) is a very effective torture method but you may have to catch the person you plan to perform it on, especially if they guess what you are trying to do. Wrapperchuting may be used on the following:

.Little brothers

.Big brothers

.Medium brothers

.Annoying people

.Your dad (good luck with that)

.Your friend (only boys will do this)

.Angry squirrels

Warning: Do not, at any costs, wrapperchute Asa. He loves to wrapper-chute you, but if you so much as place your chin on him he will cry and scream uncontrollably. Common side effects of wrapperchuting include:

.Uncontrollable giggling

.Hiccups (often come after the uncontrollable giggling)

.“PLEASE STOP!!!”

.Revenge

Uncommon side effects include:

.Regret (known scientifically as wrapperchutus regretus; does not last long)

.Crying (it doesn’t hurt)

If someone is wrapperchuted too much at one time they may contract Wrapperchuting Overload Syndrome (wrapperchutus gigglus). This can be avoided by staying away from wrapperchuters. To do this, always carry a cookie. Scientists have proved that wrapperchuters have an unnatural addiction to cookies and will stop at nothing to get them. Their favorite is known to be chocolate chip with kosher marshmallows. If you give them one cookie, be prepared with more–they can sense cookies from nearly a mile away.

WRAPPERCHUTER DETERRENT COOKIES

(Guaranteed to distract, confuse, and temporarily tame even the fiercest wrapperchuters.)

BEFORE YOU BEGIN:

Make sure there are no wrapperchuters in the room, or they will steal the dough before you reach Step 2 (which may not be scientifically possible).

INGREDIENTS:

• 1 cup butter (softened, not melted—melted butter attracts wrapperchuters from 3 miles away)
• 1 cup sugar
• 1 cup brown sugar (the preferred currency of wrapperchuters)
• 2 eggs
• 1 teaspoon vanilla
• 2 cups flour
• 1 teaspoon baking soda
• 1 teaspoon salt
• 1–2 cups chocolate chips (marshmallows optional but highly recommended for maximum distraction)
• Optional: A decoy cookie to lure the wrapperchuters away while you work

INSTRUCTIONS:

1. PREPARE YOUR TERRITORY.

Preheat oven to 350°F.
Place a decoy cookie on the counter.
You may hear distant footsteps or giggling—this is normal.

2. MAKE THE BASE.

Cream butter and sugars together.
If a wrapperchuter appears, shout “NOT YET!”
This usually works for 3–5 seconds.

3. ADD EGGS & VANILLA.

Beat them in gently.
Do NOT beat them in angrily—angry dough attracts squirrels.
This is a well-known fact.

4. DRY INGREDIENTS.

Stir flour, baking soda, and salt in a separate bowl.
Combine with the wet ingredients.

NOTE: If a wrapperchuter begins wrapperchuting your elbow during this step, rotate 90° to avoid contamination.

5. ADD CHOCOLATE CHIPS (AND MARSHMALLOWS).

This is the most dangerous moment.
Wrapperchuters have been known to teleport during this step. Immediately say: “Who wants the bowl??” This should distract them long enough to form dough balls.

6. BAKE.

Drop spoonfuls of dough onto a tray.
Bake for 10–12 minutes or until golden brown.

While baking, install anti-wrapperchuter security measures:

• place cookie cooling racks HIGH
• activate parent shields
• hold one cookie as a bribe A2

7. COOLING PERIOD

Cookies must cool for at least 2 minutes.
Wrapperchuters must cool for at least 2 hours.
(They will not follow this rule.)

8. SERVE.

Give cookies to the wrapperchuters.
Watch them freeze in awe.
Observe as wrapperchuting temporarily stops.

SUCCESS!
You have made official WRAPPERCHUTER DETERRENT COOKIES.

ASK BELLA

THE DOGGIE ADVICE COLUMN

Dear Bella,

There is a squirrel watching me. I think he wants my acorn bread. What should I do?

-Fearful in the Forest

Dear Fearful,

Bark!
Growl!

I chase…

after dinner…

after nap…

maybe tomorrow.

-Bella

Dear Bella,

My friend keeps wrapperchuting me! Help! What do I do?

-Desperate

Dear Desperate,

Nap on him.

-Bella

Write your own letter to Bella at shabbatgrouptimes@gmail.com and wait for a response. (Patience, patience.)

BREAKING NEWS

CELEBRITY CHOCOLATE PACKET ACQUIRES NEW PET

Hot M. Chocolate, age ???, a published author and local celebrity, recently adopted a new pet. She is a paper clip named Curly and she likes to curl herself around the couch leg and eat paper clip food. She likes to be near the fireplace, but not too close because her wires are so thin that they are easily melted.

FACTS ABOUT CURLY

Species: Paperclip

Gender: Female

Diet: Cardboard paperclip food

Residence: Mr. Chocolate’s mansion

Loves: Rare cardboard sandwich treats, paperclip yoga

Hates: Moisture, rust, cold nights

Personality: Bendy

Mr. Chocolate declined to comment on his new pet, but reporters detected satisfied crinkling noises. Experts assure us that Curly will be kept safely away from Elliott. Curly will be expected to appear in Mr. Chocolate’s next book. The arrival of Curly brings Mr. Chocolate’s household to two members, unless you count the marshmallow ghosts, which we do not.

BREAKING NEWS

EMBER IS AWESOME

Recent studies have shown that Ember A. Speck, age 10, is totally awesome. Despite what certain people cough Elliott cough say, she is not boring and not dumb. She is very fun and smart! Some of her accomplishments include small child wrangling, the rescue of Mr. Chocolate, and the bravery of a bunch of crazy boys. She should probably get a medal. We will be sure to enter her comic into the newspaper this week!

She is very good at making comics. She will get a whooooole page to herself. Her comic, Ninja Cat, will be read and admired by all! (Read and admire or you will be severely punished.)

Facts About Ember

. Recent studies have shown that she is 97% more awesome than the national average.

. “Ember is like… the glue holding the group together,” says an anonymous witness who is definitely not Merrilee.

. Probably the most awesome human to ever cross our path.–Shabbat Group Science Department.

BREAKING NEWS!

FRIENDS ENCOUNTER STRANGE QUESTION

Cora Ruth Kutcher, age 13; Mary Helen Kutcher, age 11; and Merrilee Warren, age 12, were playing a game of Apples to Apples when they came across a strange question: What is more gutless: Snoopy or belly button lint? Mary Helen was reader at the time.

Cast your vote today and learn who played the card you voted for.

Which is more gutless (circle one):

Snoopy

or

Belly button lint?

BREAKING NEWS

ASA FALLS AND SCRAPES KNEES AND HANDS

Asa Warren, age 3, fell on the sidewalk, scraping his hands and knees. His older sister Merrilee Warren, age 12, got him some Band-Aids™ to stop the bleeding. She did not witness the accident; rather, Asa came and told her about it. She asked, while making him some chocolate milk, “Were you a big boy and didn’t cry?” Asa replied, “Yeah. Wait, actually I did cry. I guess I need a sucker.”

OLIVE OIL DIPPING SAUCE

This simple dipping sauce is great with a slice of French bread! You can double or triple the recipe if you have a big family.

.1 tablespoon garlic (chopped fresh cloves are best, but you can use minced refrigerated garlic)

.1 tablespoon rosemary (fresh is best, but dried will work)

.A pinch of salt

.A pinch of pepper

.Olive oil

1. With a mortar and pestle, crush the rosemary and garlic. If the garlic and/or rosemary are fresh, the juices should be coming out.
2. Add salt and pepper to the mix and continue crushing it. When it is a sort of paste, it should be ready.
3. With a (clean) spoon, scrape the paste into a dish. You can be fancy and use a plate, or you can be boring and use a bowl. Add olive oil–the more you use, the less flavorful it becomes, so you can choose how much you use.
4. Now you can dip in a nice slice of French bread! Please do not use moldy bread because it may taste weird.

ASA QUOTE OF THE WEEK

“Heeeeeey, brudda. You smell like cheeeeeeese.”

-Asa Warren, to the mailman as he pulled up to the Warren family’s house.

Send in any other ridiculous things you hear Asa say, and they might just get printed in the newspaper!

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SURVIVAL LESSONS!

Taught by Elliott Garrett! Learn vital survival skills:

.Spear making

.Surviving Asa

.How not to poke yourself

Payment: One cookie per lesson

Note: Elliott may express confusion when you go to sign up for a lesson as we volunteered him for this without telling him.

UNDERPANTS REPAIR SERVICES

Have your brothers eaten, soaked, ripped, buried, destroyed, or poured sand down your underpants (all questions answered later)? We’re up for the job! We fix all kinds! (Except the ones Asa ate.)

Call 1-800 UNDERPANTS

CLEAN OR UNCLEAN?

Let’s play a game! Below are the names of some clean and unclean animals. Draw a blue circle around each clean animal, and draw a red square around each unclean animal.

Now draw a picture of your favorite (clean) animal!

CLEAN OR UNCLEAN? answer key

Clean animals:

Duck, Cow, Goat, Chicken, Sheep

Unclean animals:

Pig, rabbit, snake, camel

Bonus Question (if you are Elliott): Are giraffes clean or unclean?

(Circle one)

Answer: clean

BIBLE VERSE OF THE WEEK

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous; do not be afraid or discouraged, for YHWH your Elohim is with you wherever you go.

-Joshua 1:9

This verse is good for squirrel attacks, children hurtling themselves off of hay bales, and for summoning courage during Asa chaos. The last one is usually the hardest scenario.

WHO SAID IT?

In this Bible game, write the name of the person who said the phrase on the line below it. The answers are below the questions (don’t cheat!)

1. “As for me and my house, we shall serve the Lord.”

2. “God gave, and God has taken away; blessed be the name of God.”

3. “Speak, for your servant hears.”

4. “I can do all things through Him who strengthens me.”

5. “Behold the servant of God; be it unto me according to Your word.”

ANSWERS

1. Joshua

2. Job

3. Samuel

4. Paul

5. Mary

WARRENIA WEATHER REPORT

Friday Evening:

-99.9999999999999% chance of squ-irrels.

-100% chance of acorn rain after squirrels arrive.

-Chaos: 1000% (mostly Asa related)

Shabbat Morning:

-0.000000000000000001% chance of peace (unless someone starts throwing pinecones.)

-Temperature: Cold, but the warmth of friendship should help. (If not, you may want to consider bringing a jacket.)

JOIN THE ‘IS IT ALIVE? LET’S POKE IT’ CLUB!

President(s): The twins Warren

Reluctant members (also known as prisoners): Every living creature that is not a male human.

Official protesters: Asa Warren, Merrilee Warren, Mom Warren

Club description: Join this fun and exciting club and get to rip the wings of live insects! Torture grasshoppers for hours by burying them under sand, and then–PLOT TWIST–feed them to a colony of ants! Admission fee one dragonfly wing (you must rip the wing off a live dragonfly yourself)

Activities may include:
.Ripping the wings off live insects

.Ripping the wings off dead insects

.Feeding grasshoppers to ants

.Poking anything that moves

.Poking anything that doesn’t move

Warning: If you join this club Merrilee will withhold her cookies from you for seven Shabbat groups. You have been warned.

BREAKING NEWS

ASIAN BEETLES UNITE; ARE TAKING OVER THE WORLD

Some of you may have small red to orange beetles with black spots invading your home. Many of you may think these are ladybugs. They are actually called Asian lady beetles and personally I am offended on the ladybugs’ behalves. They are quite different. While they both are small, red beetles with black spots, Asian lady beetles can also be orange, and some of them do not have spots. They have a white m shaped marking just below their heads, while ladybugs do not. Ladybugs also usually have a consistent number of symmetrical spots. Asian beetles invade homes, are harmful to dogs, create a foul yellow odor and they bite, while ladybugs hibernate during the winter, are good for the environment, create no odor and are harmless. Also Asian beetles are taking over the world!!! I have proof! They are currently invading our house and I’ve seen them holding Congress meetings in the corners! They’re having one right now! Run! Hide! Save yourselves! Or, join the Asian Beetle Fighting Cause (ABFC) and get rid of as many as you can! Grab a vaccum! DESTROY THEM!!!

Please do not hurt any ladybugs. If you do we may classify you as a member of the ‘Is It Alive?

Let’s Poke It!’ club. A little-known fact about Asian lady beetles is that they are from Asia. They are also ladies, not men, confusing people around the globe! A related fact is that four out of five dentists prefer Crest™ toothpaste. This is relevant if you are talking about teeth, not beetles, which is good because we are talking about beetles. Asian beetles’ favorite pastime is tweedle beetle battles, a fact neither confirmed nor denied by Google.

Warning: Do not attempt diplomacy with Asian lady beetles. They are stubborn.

THE FOREST FORT ANTHEM

Oh deep in the woods where the pine needles fall,
Where Sam shouts orders most of all,
Where John and David argue why,
And Asa flies his jetpack high…

Oh forest fort, so brave, so tall,
(If “tall” means six feet, after all),
We pledge our loyalty evermore—
‘Til Asa pantses us at the door!

Oh brave is the fort made of branches and bark
(Except when it collapses after dark),
We cook our berries in rusty pans,
(Or once… inside a garbage can),

Oh forest fort, so brave, so tall,
(If “tall” means six feet, after all),
We pledge our loyalty evermore—
‘Til Asa pantses us at the door!

Oh Elliott sharpens sticks with pride,
Which terrifies all who stand outside,
While Merrilee gathers nuts to eat,
And Logan keeps the squirrels beat.

Oh forest fort, so brave, so tall,
(If “tall” means six feet, after all),
We pledge our loyalty evermore—
‘Til Asa pantses us at the door!

Where Sunny stacks the sticks in piles,
And Ember wrangles kids for miles,
While Evelyn raids berries fast—
Then blames Sam when she’s asked!

Oh forest fort, so brave, so tall,
(If “tall” means six feet, after all),
We pledge our loyalty evermore—
‘Til Asa pantses us at the door!

EXCLUSIVE!

WARREN FAMILY OFFICALLY WEIRDEST EVER

The Warren family is officially the weirdest family at Shabbat group ever. Everyone has accepted this. No one can compete for this title. Recent studies have shown that Asa a-lone accounted for 64% of chaos last month. The twins supplied the other 36%. When asked if the Warrens were going to accept this title humbly, Merrilee Warren, age 12, answered, “Oh absolutely not. We’re framing it.” Officials have warned that the family may get even crazier as it grows older. Citizens are advised not to provoke the twins into pantsing them; not to teach Asa any new words, especially not ‘dermatoglyphics’; and to carry cookies at all times, to avoid wrapperchuters. The Warren family contains 94% of all known wrapperchuters.

WANTED

@SQUIRRELYPANTS CONVICTED OF BERRY THEFT

@squirrelypants, age also ?, has recently been caught stealing more berries. This is his 189,077,482^nd offense and we have decided that this has gone too far. The squirrel, @squirrelypants, has hired a squirrel lawyer to defend him (whom we have been assured does not steal berries and is therefore qualified for this job), and we got our annoymous translator again because neither squirrel speaks English. (Warning: Experts believe the squirrel may be in cahoots with Evelyn. Caution advised.)

Reporter: Recently some complaints have come in that you have been stealing from the forest fort berry stash. How do you plead?

Squirrel Lawyer: *chitters*

Squirrel: *angry tail lash*

Translator: He says he’s not guilty.

Reporter: Uh, but we have this picture of you stealing berries. How do you explain that?

Squirrel: *furious squeak*

Translator: He says, ‘That’s CGI!’

Reporter: But we’ve also seen you steal berries. I’m pretty sure that you know what you’ve been doing.

Squirrel: *snooty head toss*

Translator: ‘Liar’.

Squirrel Lawyer: *runs in a circle*

Squirrel: *runs in a circle and then plops onto the ground*

Translator: He informs you that you are clearly a terrible reporter, and that if you won’t listen to the people you’re interviewing you should be fired.

Reporter: Ouch.

Squirrel: *huffs and marches off*

Translator: He says, ‘I have a date stealing berries’.

Squirrel Lawyer: *squeaks and runs after @squirrelypants*

Translator: He says, ‘Wait for me!’

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NEW WRAPPERCHUTATION PREVENTION HELMET!

Keep yourself safe from wrapperchuters with this Anti-Wrapperchutation Helmet™! Made from only the finest cardboard scraps! Includes a sign reading, ‘No chins allowed!’ Buy now for only $7.99!*

Bonus–for an extra $1 we’ll add a bean-flavored wrapperchutation deterrent! (Warning: If you add this product to your order you may have to wait extra long as said bean deterrent does not currently exist.)

BREAKING NEWS
BOWL OF POPCORN SUDDENLY FAMOUS

Article by John Warren (edited by Merr-ilee Warren)

Recently a bowl of popcorn became suddenly famous. One moment it was just sitting innocently on the counter, and the next it was surrounded by a mob of children intent on sticking their hands into its wide open mouth and eating handfuls of its buttery insides. Autographs from this popcorn bowl are not available. Experts expect that it is in hiding to avoid meeting any more hungry children— unless it has already been eaten. Nothing can be guaranteed at that point. If you see this bowl of popcorn, please do not eat it. This is considered rude in Popsicornia, which is the alternate dimsension where all the popcorn lives. (It is also where off-brand toasters come from (we can not guarantee that these exist).)

BREAKING NEWS

COOKIE RECIPE ALTERED

This week’s batch of cookies, baked by Merrilee Warren, age 12, are slightly different than usual. They contain pieces of mint-chocolate pieces, which are loved by Merrilee’s siblings. However, she is worried that some people may not like mint. If you do not like mint, too bad! You will have to pick out all the mint pieces, which will be hard because some of them are very small. Hopefully you do like mint. Asa says that he gives Merrilee’s food ‘all of the stars’. We are not sure if that means five or literally all of them. (Also there are only forty-six cookies this time, so please limit yourself to one cookie until everyone who wants one has gotten one. (I am not sure why I bother telling people this given that no one ever listens to me anyway.))

Asa’s presumed review:⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ ∞

EXCLUSIVE!

TWINS COME UP WITH CRAZY NAMING SYSTEM

The twins Warren, ages 10, have recently come up with a ridiculous naming system. You switch the first letters of your first and middle name, then spell your original first name backwards to make your last name. Example: John Valor Warren becomes Vohn Jalor Nhoj (this makes no sense; may sound a bit ninja-like). David Noble Warren becomes Navid Doble Divad (sounds Spanish). (See? They are no longer related!)

Other examples:

Merrilee Honey Warren →Herrilee Money Eelirrem (‘Money’ still pending)

Sunny Joy Warren → Junny Soy Ynnus (sounds Chinese)

Asa Gallant Warren → Gasa Allant Asa (pure chaos, what else is new?)

Eliyah Grace Warren → Geliyah Erace Hayile (sounds pretty; must not be used to erase pencil marks)

Mary Helen Kutcher → Hary Melen Yram (yes, unfortunately pronounced ‘Hairy Melon’)

We assume that this is (but we hope that it’s not) the way the twins plan to name their children when they’re older. Please do not follow their ridiculous example. (Official Asa naming system has only one name recipient— Logan Tefft has become Stinkball Tefft. Congratulations to any other honored citizens who are worthy enough to receive an Asa name!) It may not be legal to name your child that. Other illegal names include: Santa Claus, Baby Boy, Talula Does The Hula From Hawaii, Friday, Brfxxccxxmnpcccclllmmnprxvclmnckssqlbb11116, Robocop, Bong Head, and Spinach.