BREAKING NEWS!
SIX-SEVEN OFFICIALLY BANNED
Merrilee Warren, age 12, editor of SGT (Shabbat Group Times) is officially banning six-seven forever. This will never be undone. It is the MOST absolutely OBNOXIOUS phrase in the history of EVER. No one likes it! It is SO! ANNOYING! Why six and seven? They don’t rhyme! They don’t make sense! Who cares if some basketball player is six foot seven? He’s not even there! WHAT IS THE ABSOLUTE POINT!?! Any time someone says this phrase, they will be officially BANNED from eating any of Merrilee’s cookies for the next three Shabbat groups, which you DEFINITELY do NOT want to happen, since this time Merrilee is making FIVE KINDS of cookies (and all of them are new!) (see page A2). We’re looking at YOU, ELLIOTT! No more six-seven! If you like cookies then you will not say this! Please! Everyone hates it! You like cookies, don’t you? Good! Then NO MORE SIX-SEVEN!
Overleaf: No six-seven!
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SGT REPORTERS NEEDED
Do you have eyes?Do you have ears?Do you occasionally notice things happening around you? Then you are qualified for this job! You must be alert at all times, and write down any breaking news you witness. The problem with SGT is that it currently only has one reporter, who does not see everything that happens. We need more people to help us! Payment for breaking news is extra cookies. Amount of cookies paid depends on quality and length of the article you submit. You may choose your cookie flavor. Send your articles to shabbatgrouptimes@gmail.com and Merrilee will publish them in the next issue. Now we will have reporters all over the place!
BREAKING NEWS
MERRILEE MAKES DOUBLE BATCH OF COOKIES
Merrilee Warren, age 12, has finally given in to the requests of several cookie addicts, who requested one hundred batches. No, she is not making five thousand cookies (literally, that’s how many cookies would be in a hundred batches). She is making two batches. They will be five flavors: peppermint hot chocolate, cinnamon hot chocolate, Mexican hot chocolate (cinnamon and cayenne pepper), chocolate covered cherry (with chopped maraschino cherries), and s’mores cookies. She hopes they are very tasty. If they are not you may go yell it her. Be warned, though, if you yell she may withhold cookies. (Remember that you will not get ANY cookies if you say… the FORBIDDEN PHRASE (six-seven).) Merrilee permits everyone to take two cookies total. Some of them are cut into half, so you could take four halves. She asks that you do not get more than one cookie total of one flavor. Taste as many as possible, then vote for your favorite at shabbatgrouptimes@gmail.com . The winning cookie flavor will be announced in next week’s issue.
EXCLUSIVE!
LOCAL BABY SUDDENLY OBESSED WITH LEMON
Eliyah Grace Warren, age 1, recently found half a lemon and started licking it over and over. She made a disgusted face each time she licked it, but for some reason she kept licking. In between licks she took sips of her water, which was in a cup shaped like an angry teapot. It may have even been a pouting teapot. At one point, she turned to her sister Merrilee, picked up the lemon, threw it backwards over her head, held up her angry pouty teapot, and said, “Mmm!” We think that means lemons are gross and water is mmm! We are not sure if Eliyah likes lemons or not. After getting rid of the lemon, she ran away, climbed to the top of the stool, and started crying. Maybe it smelled like a lemon. Eliyah has three angry pouty teapots and sometimes she drinks milk out of them. They usually (always) end up on the floor.
BIBLE VERSE OF THE WEEK
Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the Lord your God goes with you; He will never leave you nor forsake you.
Deuteronomy 31:6
ASA QUOTE OF THE WEEK
‘Kaaaaaa-flingy! Now it’s done!’
-Asa, as he threw all the perfectly organized couch cushions onto the floor.
BREAKING NEWS
ASA = LOGAN
Asa Gallant Warren at This Age Three (almost four!), age three, recently put a hat on backwards, marched into the room where his four older siblings were, and said, “Do I look like Logan?” If Logan is Asa wearing a hat then yes, we think he totally looks like Logan. Except Asa may be a little too short… and with the wrong color hair… and is eight years younger… and is gone every Friday because he goes to California on his jet pack to ride motorcycles and then a dinosaur ate California. But! They are practically identical twins now, so it may take some getting used to. You will probably confuse them all the time. Don’t worry, you’ll learn to tell them apart someday. It may just take some practice.
Helpful tips:
Logan = Logan.
Asa + Backwards Hat = Logan
Asa + Forwards Hat = ?
Asa — Hat = Asa
Asa + Sideways Hat = okay now we’re just confused.
INTERVIEW WITH JOHN
Today we will be interviewing John. We will also be interviewing David in about five minutes. They had to do rock-paper-scissors shoot and John won, but David said he cheated.
Q: What is your favorite color?
A: Um… orange.
Q: What is your favorite animal?
A: Duh, it’s a dog. You already know that.
Q: What is your favorite food?
A: Pizza.
Q: What is your favorite dessert?
A: Um… this is a tough one. I have very many desserts I like. I can’t really think of one in particular… how about… vanilla ice cream, how about.
Q: What is your favorite activity?
A: It’d be Minecraft or it’d be Legos… I don’t know what one I’d like more. Recently I’ve been playing with Legos more.
Q: So you like Legos better?
A: Yeah, I think so. The answer of course is yes.
Q: What is your favorite pet?
A: Bella. The dog. And KOJI!
Q: What do you think of Shabbat Group Times?
A: HILARIOUS
INTERVIEW WITH DAVID
It is David’s turn! We will now ask him the same questions we asked John. He will probably have different answers, because it seems that twins actually do not have the same brain.
Q: What is your favorite color?
A: Red.
Q: What is your favorite animal?
A: Tiger.
Q: What is your favorite food?
A: Taco night with cheese dip and chips. I mean, cheese dip with chips.
Q: What is your favorite dessert?
A: Cinnamon rolls.
Q: That’s a breakfast item.
A: No.
Q: What is your favorite—
A: Activity?
Q: Yes.
A: Snot a question.
Q: Okay, but what is your favorite activity?
A: Legos.
Q: What is your favorite pet?
A: Bella the dog. And KOJI! *snickers*
Q: What do you think of Shabbat Group Times?
A: Hall my arious! Hall my arious? No, HILARIOUS.
SHABBAT GROUP TIMES (SGT) OFFICIAL WORDS
Hall my arious (hall/ my/ AIR/ ee/ us) (adjective)
Definition: So hilarious that your brain gives up and makes up new syllables (e.g ‘That interview was so hall my arious!’).
Word Origin: An interesting Shabbat Group Times interview gone wrong (or right?).
Discoballiqualified (disco/ BALL /i / qualified) (noun, adjective, verb, adverb, gerund, infinitive, participle, preposition, etc.)
Definition: None (you can use it as any word, although it is most commonly used as an insult (e.g ‘You’re so discoballiqualified!’
.’Don’t discoballiqualify me!’
.’Wow, that was totally discoballiqualified of you.’).
Word Origin: Created by Warren children (who else) while they were supposed to be cleaning; commonly used by Merrilee, the twins, and Elliott.
Wrapperchutation (rap/ er/ shoot/ A/ shun) (noun)
Definition: The act of wrapperchuting (e.g ‘This helmet™ prevents wrapperchutation!’).
Word Origin: The noun form of wrapperchuting; added to the dictionary after ‘wrapperchuter’ became a widespread word.
Stinkball (STEENK/ ball) (proper noun)
Definition: The title of highest honor in Warrenia; given only by King Asa. Recipients of this name are considered highly honored; in fact, only one living person currently possesses this title (e.g ‘Asa proclaimed Logan Tefft ‘Stinkball Tefft.”).
Word Origin: This name is two months (8,412 years) old; a title given to only the most honored and noble Warrenian citizens.
Toast-walking (toste/ WOK/ ing) (verb)
Definition: To lie on your back and push yourself around backwards, propelling yourself with your feet (e.g ‘Asa was toast-walking all over the floor.’).
Word Origin: Asa was toast-walking all over the floor one day when he was asked what he was doing. He claimed he was ‘toast-walking’. Thus the word was born.
Snot a question (SNOT/ a/ kwest/ shun) ( part of speech???) A5
Definition: Either a slurred version of ‘that’s not a question’ or a question covered in snot; we are not entirely sure. Your best bet on learning the true definition of the word is to ask one of the twins (e.g ‘What is your favorite activity? ‘Snot a question”).
Word Origin: This word, or more so a phrase, was created when Merrilee Warren, a reporter for Shabbat Group Times, was interviewing David (see page A4) and asked what his favorite activity was. He answered, ‘Snot a question’.
Warning: If you call someone other than a bearer of the title Stinkball’ (e.g Logan, named by King Asa himself) ‘Stinkball’, you are liable to either have to pay a 5,000,000 cookie fine or two Warrenian months in a tickle dungeon.
RIDDLE CORNER
Riddle 1:
Who runs around the house screaming, bites stacks of bagels and crackers, and goes to California every Friday?
Riddle 2:
What is small, fast, unpredictable, and can defeat a toilet in single combat?
Riddle 3:
Who likes the feeling of twins pouring cold sand down his underpants?
Riddle 4:
Who counts: “One! Two! Eighteen! Sixteen! Eight! Nine!”?
ANSWERS
1: Asa
2: Asa
3: Asa
4: Asa
FRIENDS AND FANS
Profile: Asa Warren
Age: 3 (we think)
Likes: California, dinosaurs, deer
Dislikes: Elliott tying him to a vine and swinging him into a tree, electric fences, spiders
Silliness Level: OFF THE CHARTS
Known For: Asa Updates, stories about California.
Profile: John Warren
Age: 10
Likes: Orange things, dogs, Legos
Dislikes: Cats, cleaning, school
Silliness Level: We are not at liberty to divulge that information.
Known For: Evil hugs (tackling), probably.
Profile: David Warren
Age: 10
Likes: Red things, tigers, Legos
Dislikes: Six-seven, cleaning, school
Silliness Level: 11.3847 out of 10.
Known For: Being deputy of the forest fort.
Profile: Merrilee Warren
Age: 12
Likes: Writing, cucumbers, chickens
Dislikes: Six-seven, koalas, pandas
Silliness Level: Unknown (likely high)
Known For: SGT (Shabbat Group Times)
Profile: Sam Morris
Age: 10
Likes: Forest forts, football, Jackpot
Dislikes: Empty wisteria jelly jars, NO DESSERT!, vinegar in mouth
Silliness Level: 3/10
Known For: Being leader of forest fort
Profile: Elliott Garrett
Age: 9
Likes: Six-seven (unfortunately), dogs, very aggressive evil hugging
Dislikes: Losing reusable water balloons, no six-seven, playing Monopoly correctly
Silliness Level: High
Known For: Saying six-seven all the time even though everyone yells at him
Profile: Ember Speck
Age: 10
Likes: Games, friends, SGT (we hope)
Dislikes: Boys calling her boring, being accused of becoming a B1
turtle in ga-ga ball pit, hungry boys next to Mr. Chocolate
Silliness Level: Occasional silliness
Known For: Being totally awesome
Profile: Logan Tefft
Age: 12
Likes: Cookies, sports, maybe newspapers?
Dislikes: Losing in ga-ga ball (rarely), Asa becoming his twin (maybe?), falling out of trees after he throws someone’s shoe down the hollow trunk (probably)
Silliness Level: Fairly normal
Known For: Dramatic readings of Asa Updates and SGT
Profile: Jonah Sansing
Age: 11
Likes: Rubik’s cube, dessert, football
Dislikes: Having his secret hiding places for Hide And Seek discovered, falling into large holes, getting found in his secret hiding places in Hide And Seek
Silliness Level: No data (presumably low)
Known For: Solving a TRIANGLE Rubik’s cube (why does that exist)
Profile: Cora Ruth Kutcher
Age: 13
Likes: Cats, piano, writing
Dislikes: Being mean, tackle keep-away, being the thrower in Jackpot?
Silliness Level: Funny, but rarely silly
Known For: Being very fast and good at drawing
Profile: Mary Helen Kutcher
Age: 11
Likes: Passacaglia, Mars (the cat), drawing
Dislikes: Show-offs, falling out of her hammock, things biting her
Silliness Level: Mostly normal; occasional spontaneous silliness.
Known For: Being very funny
Profile: Sunny Warren
Age: 8
Likes: Candy, Legos, piano B2
Dislikes: John’s gross burps, Asa being a ‘sumo wrestler’ while doing his signature move (you don’t want to know), quinoa
Silliness Level: ACTS serious, but secretly VERY silly
Known For: Muffins.
Great! Now you can tell which of the kids you are running from as they try to wrapperchute you! Good luck— hope you’re fast!
Note: Speed may not work on wrapperchuters.
IMPORTANT NOTICE
SHABBAT GROUP TIMES PAPER ABSENT; EXTRA LONG THIS TIME
The Warrens unfortunately had to attend a funeral last Shabbat group, so they were not able to bring the famous Shabbat Group Times that time. Merrilee would like to sincerely apologize. We know that it must have been difficult to live without the newspaper (how did you survive?). To restore the community back to full health, Merrilee is extending this week’s newspaper’s length from the usual twelve pages to eighteen pages.We will see if you can read and run at the same time when someone comes and tries to wrapperchute you. In fact, it might be happening right now! Or are you the one wrapperchuting someone…?
Warning: Product may contain breaking news.
BREAKING NEWS
ASA THROWS UNDERPANTS IN TRASH CAN
Asa Warren, age 3, recently threw a pair of his best underpants in the garbage. When questioned about it, he said, “No I did not throw my underpants in the garbage can! Look!” We are not sure what we were supposed to look at if they were not in there. See the interview below for more info.
Q: Why did you throw your underpants in the garbage?
A: I did not.
Q: What kind of underpants were they?
A: None!
Q: Did you get your underpants out?
A: Yes.
Q: Do you confirm that they were thrown in in the first
place?
A: Yes.
On second thought, that interview raises more questions than it answered. To learn the truth about whether he actually threw his underpants in the trash, click here. We assume they were Paw Patrol underpants. Those are his favorite and most of his underpants.
QUESTION OF THE WEEK
How many toothpicks could a toothpickchuck chuck if a toothpickchuck could chuck toothpicks?
(Notice that this phrase is impossible to say a second time without laughing.)
BREAKING NEWS
LOCAL BOY DISCOVERS GIANT BRAN FLAKE
John Warren, age 10, recently discovered a gigantic bran flake in the box of Raisin Bran™ . We regret that there is no picture of the bran flake as John ate the evidence. It was very big, though. It was probably the king of all the other bran flakes. We assume its name was King Bran VII. We are not sure if King Bran VII also rules—or ruled—over the raisins. If you discover any information on this subject, please report it to the SGT.
Caution: You may want to refrain from eating raisin bran cereal while reading this article.
EXCLUSIVE!
ASA WRITES WEIRD SENTENCE
Using Starfall, a learning app for kids, Asa Warren, age 3, wrote this story:
I like to explore the ocean. It can be very cold there, but I often dance there. I stomp around quietly whenever a camel appears.
This sentence makes no sense at all whatsoever. If a camel appears in the ocean, please notify Asa so that he can stomp around quietly.
Note: Scientists remain confused.
INTERVIEW WITH SUNNY
After reading the interviews with the twins, Sunny insisted that we interview her as well, so we are going to ask her the same questions we asked the boys and see how it goes.
Q: What is your favorite color?
A: Turquoise.
Q: What is your favorite animal?
A: Birds
Q: What kind of bird specifically?
A: Any kind. I like all of ’em.
Q: NOT HELPFUL
A: What am I supposed to answer?
Q: Never mind. What is your favorite food?
A: Cheeseburgers.
Q: What is your favorite dessert?
A: Hm… this is a tough one. I like many kinds of desserts… but I don’t like one in specific. I mean, specifically.
Q: Just pick a random dessert.
A: Doughnuts!
Q: That is also kind of a breakfast item.
A: No it’s not!
Q: What is your favorite activity?
A: Mmmm…. playing with Eliyah.
Q: What is your favorite pet?
A: Chickens. They produce milk. WAIT WAIT WAIT STOP I want to change my answer!
Q: Okay, change it to what?
A: Never mind.
Q: What do you think of Shabbat Group Times?
A: If it’s more definitions, then, no.
ELLIOTT’S STEP-BY-STEP GUIDE TO PLAYING MONOPOLY
To play Monopoly the Elliott Way™, there are several important rules. This guide explains how to play this interesting version of the game.
- Give each person two five hundred dollar bills, one one hundred, one fifty, one twenty, one ten, one five, and one one.
- Choose your piece. Each piece has a specific noise you must make instead of counting spaces. For the cat you must say ‘meow’; for the dog you must say ‘woof’; for the penguin you must say ‘waddle’; for the money bag (a new piece) you must say ‘ka-ching!’; and we assume that for the car you say ‘vroom’; for the top hat you must say ‘I’m an old-fashioned gentleman’; and for the thimble… you know what, never mind the thimble. The thimble is banned from Elliott Monopoly™.
- When you land on a property you do not buy it. You just land on it. The only way you lose money is by landing on the tax squares or by getting one of the bad cards from the Community Chest or Chance. If you run out of money the banker immediately gives you more.
- When you pass go you do not collect $200. Instead you get one of each bill— one five hundred, one one hundred, one fifty, etc.
- When the BANK runs out of money, you immediately go to the store, buy a new Monopoly, and take all the money out to replenish your old bank.
- The goal of the game is to keep playing forever. Basically, Elliott just really likes Monopoly— so much that he invents new versions to make Monopoly last forever.
Overleaf: Elliott (creator of Elliott Monopoly™)
AD
WRAPPERCHUTING MASSAGES!
John and David Warren are officially opening a massage business— where they wrapperchute instead of massage you! Wrappermassages fifty cents per five minute massage. Contact John and David at 123-456-7890 to ask about a wrapper-massage.
BREAKING NEWS
ASA REVEALS THE NAMES OF HIS FUTURE CHILDREN
Asa Warren, although only three years old, has already decided what he plans to name his children when he’s older. He says his son will be named ‘Tiger Lion’ and his daughter will be named ‘Baby Sister’. We are not sure who he plans to marry to get these alleged children. Here is an interview with him below for more information.
Q: What are you going to name your kids?
A: Um, Tiger Lion and Baby Sister.
Q: What is you have another kid?
A: Um, his name is Aliyah.
Q: What if it’s a girl?
A: Um, it’s a girl. A-S-A-B.
We are unsure if that is how you spell the girl’s name or if that is how he spells A-S-A-P. We do not know if he will still name his daughter ‘Baby Sister’ if she is the oldest.
SHABBAT GROUP BIRTHDAY SECTION
Melissa Warren
Turned 42 on December 19, 2025
Logan Tefft
Turned 12 on December 31, 2025
Sam Morris
Turned 10 on January 1, 2026
DAD JOKE OF THE WEEK 😖
Provided by Dad (John-David) Warren
Q: What has a trunk but doesn’t matter?
A: It’s irrelephant.
BREAKING NEWS
KOJIKA SATELLITE JOPHIS WARREN TURNS FOUR MONTHS OLD
Kojika Satellite Jophis Warren (Koji for short), age FOUR MONTHS, recently just turned four months old on January 2, 2026. He was born on August 2, 2025. He is very cute and precious, but now he likes to jump on his owners sometimes. They call it ‘deer hugs’. He is slowly, to his owners’ sadness, losing his bright white spots. They are almost invisible now. We will have to buy him new spots. Or maybe we can just cut some circles out of paper. They wouldn’t be very soft, though.
HOT CHOCOLATE RECIPE
4 cups milk (preferably whole or 2%)
¼ cup unsweetened cocoa powder
¼ cup granulated sugar
½ cup bittersweet or semisweet chocolate chips or chopped chocolate bar
¼ teaspoon pure vanilla extract
Place milk, cocoa powder and sugar in a small saucepan. Heat over medium/medium-low heat, whisking frequently, until warm (but not boiling). Add chocolate chips and whisk constantly until the chocolate chips melt and distribute evenly into the milk. Whisk in vanilla extract, serve immediately.
BREAKING NEWS
JOHN AND DAVID FOLLOW MERRILEE AROUND REPEATING WHATEVER SHE SAYS
Merrilee Warren, age 12, was recently followed around by her brothers, John and David Warren, ages 10, who were repeating every-thing she said. For instance, she tried to run away from them and yelled “Help!” but they just ran after her and started also yelling ‘help’. This all occurred while Sunny was drooling into a bowl. She offered Da-vid a bite of her ice cream, saying, “Bite? I drooled in it.” David refused and started following Merrilee around again and repeating whatever she said. This was a very serious matter. They were even copying her as she sang a song about them wrecking stuff to try and get them to stop. This obviously did not work. She is typing this article right now, and they are reading it out loud as she types. They may have been a bit wild be-cause of the candy they were eating. John started to feel sick and gave the rest of his candy to David. Then David started feeling sick too and ate every last bite. This copying thing is interesting because they keep saying whatever Merrilee says at the same time. It is a bit confusing. Every time Merrilee makes a mistake while typing, one of them says ‘backspace backspace backspace’. If the twins start following you around and copying whatever you say, immediately put on the anti-wrapperchutation helmet we assume you have purchased and hide. Bean-flavored deterrent works quite well, except that it has not been invented yet. They will also not repeat ‘Eliyah is so cute’, so if they are persistent you can just say this phrase until they get bored and leave.
P.S. Sunny says to write that she only drooled in her ice cream because Merrilee was making her laugh. Hump.
BREAKING NEWS
HOT M. CHOCOLATE TEARS CORNER
Hot Milk Chocolate, age ???, recently was found with a torn cor-ner. Horrified, one of his co-owners, Merrilee Warren, immediately transferred him to his hospital/emergency room, where she sewed his corner back together. It took four stitches! Mr. Chocolate is still recovering from his surgery, but experts assure us that he will be all right.
ASK ASA
ADVICE COLUMN
After these anonymous people submitted their problems, we asked Asa to tell us what to do. Submit your own problems at shabbatgrouptimes@gmail.com .
Dear Asa,
Help! I went to California to ride motorcycles but a dinosaur ate California! What do I do?
—Crying in California
Dear Crying in California,
Just… kill it with your sword.
—Asa
Dear Asa,
There was this dog, and there was a spider and a crab and a tree and a spider and a dog. Who will win?
—Random Animal Battle Fan
Dear Random Animal Battle Fan,
The spider and the dog.
—Asa
Dear Asa,
Do you like to do line line number nine on people?
—Sister Tormenter
Dear Sister Tormenter,
Of course.
—Asa
BREAKING NEWS
EMBER SECRETLY AWESOMEST AT GA-GA BALL
Recent evidence suggests that Ember Speck, age 10, is actually the best ga-ga ball player at BeOne. It may SEEM like the boys are better because they win a lot, but most people do not know that Ember is just being merciful. She would actually win in three seconds flat if she were really trying. She knows that it would be boring for her to win every single game, though, so she lets the boys win. They think they are good at it, but secretly Ember is just being nice to them. Maybe one day she will get bored of pretending and defeat all the boys. We’ll see! The squirrel says that he is actually the best at ga-ga ball and can defeat anyone except the dead leaf blowing across the pit, so we may have to hold a round between @squirrelypants and Ember. Who will win? We will need a ga-ga ball pit to find out! Why is it called a pit?It should really be called a ring. Regardless, donate a ga-ga ball pit now!
FACTS ABOUT WARRENIA
Welcome to the ultimate Warrenian guide! Learn all about this alternate dimension!
Official Animal: Fantlethunk (a furry, grouchy-looking, horned crea-ture with six legs and a beaver tail)
Official Game: Two Toots and a Pie
Official Bird: Mosquito
Official Fish: Fishes that don’t have spikes (added in 2025 by King Asa)
Official Flower: UmRed (very rare; found only in Warrenia)
Official Fruit: Carrot
Official Vegetable: Grapes
Official Mineral: Crystals (who cares if minerals have to have crystals to count as a mineral一do YOU know the difference? We think NOT. HarUMPH.)
Official Song: Forest Fort Anthem
Official Dessert: Pirate chicken cake
Official Word: Wrapperchutation
King: King Asa
Great! Now you know what a Fantlethunk is! Yay!
P.S A baby Fantlethunk is called a caol. We think this is a combination of calf and foal. Maybe. If you find a caol, it belongs to the Warrenian government. Return it immediately.
BREAKING NEWS
An anonymous new reporter for the SGT (Shabbat Group Times) brings forth startling news of a supposed instigator of the 6-7 movement within the Shabbat group. This instigator is assumed to be none other than Finn Morris (age 15). Upon hearing Finn say 6-7 for the first time and move his hands up and down in that strange way, this anonymous reporter questioned him severely to understand what on Earth he could have possibly been referring to. But Finn, of course, chose to withhold the information, which caused the reporter to research this odd phrase and came to the conclusion of it simply being mere ridiculousness. The new reporter sides completely with Merrilee Warren (age 12) in the banning thereof 6-7. “Here in our small corner of the world, we enjoy our braincells and remaining slightly apart from the culture of this day and age. Let’s take a stand against 6-7 and against all future absurd phrases. WE WILL COUNT NORMA-LLY AGAIN!”
—The anonymous reporter (This anonymous reporter is definitely, 100% NOT Gabby Carriere)
Editor’s Note: We think this was a very awesome article and it earns the anonymous reporter (whoever could it be?) as MANY COOKIES AS THEY WANT! (We strongly agree with any bans on six-seven. Thank you.)
BREAKING NEWS
article by Gabby Carriere
Alfonzo Doodlé (Alfie), the Carriere family’s, or rather Gabby’s beloved basset hound is considered by some to be the absolute cutest, most adored, and esteemed of all the gentlepups. He’s so distinguished that he even made up his very own word that the Carriere’s and even some of their close friends have adopted as their own and use in everyday conversation. This word is toowzin (Pronounced too-ZIN). Toowzin is a noun, pronoun, verb, adjective, adverb, etc. There is no direct distinction as to what this word truly means but some sources claim that it is an insult. Others say it can mean whatever you want it to mean. See what Alfie says about his wonderfully diverse word in his interview below.
Interviewer: It’s an honor to make your aquaintance Mr. Alfonzo!
Alfie: *yawns*
Interviewer: Alright, well, would you mind walking us through the creation of your word?
Alfie: I just thinked of it wif my bid bwain. My mum say I bewy smawt. Know dat?
Interviewer: That’s very touching. Thank you for sharing.
Alfie: Hurumph.
BREAKING NEWS
LOCAL CHICKEN IDENTITY CRISIS
Snapdragon Warren, age 8 months, a Buff Chantecler hen, has a terrible identity crisis. She was given the name Snapdragon— but one of her owners, Asa Warren, age 3, calls her Dragonsnap. She is confused. Is her name ‘Snapdragon’ or ‘Dragonsnap’? We will interview her— after we find a translator. She speaks Chickenese.
Reporter: Hi! Remember us? You’ve translated for the squirrel a few times. Will you translate what this chicken is saying?
Translator: Sorry. I don’t speak Chicken. My friend does, though. You could ask her.
* * *
Reporter: Hi! The anonymous
translator recommended you to us. Will you translate what this chicken is saying?
Translator: Sure.
Snapdragon: BAUK!
Translator: She says that she found some corn, so hurry up and start the interview before she leaves.
Reporter: What do you think of having two names?
Snapdragon: *clucks*
Translator: She says that it is very confusing.
Reporter: I bet it is. Who named you?
Snapdragon: *ruffles feathers*
Translator: She says that the feeder-human named her ‘Snapdragon’; the littlest boy named her ‘Dragonsnap’; and the big female human calls her ‘Gingersnap’.
Reporter: You have THREE names? That’s crazy! Which one do you prefer?
Snapdragon: *squawks*
Translator: “Corn. I prefer corn.”
PRAYER REQUESTS
Some people are hurt, sick, or struggling with a hardship in their life. If you would like to submit a prayer request for yourself or someone you know, send it to shabbatgrouptimes@gmail.com.
Note: We will not print your request in the paper unless you confirm that it is okay.
EXCLUSIVE!
Shabbat Group Times has a new email address! You can send in questions for Bella and/or Asa, interviews, prayer requests, articles, ads, breaking news and more at shabbatgrouptimes@gmail.com.
Please send in your breaking news! (You’ll get extra cookies!) You do NOT want to miss the cookies. You even get to choose your own flavor! Isn’t that GREAT? Merrilee has created her own recipe for hot chocolate cookies.