January 17, 2026
BREAKING NEWS
JELLY BEAN HAS FAVORITE SONG
The infamous Jelly Bean Warren, age 3, known for chomping quite viciously on innocent people’s fingers and ears (although for some reason she was not infuriated by the Juicy-Juice incident), has a favorite piano song. It is called Prelude No. 3 in A Major by Timothy Brown. Merrilee plays it for her sometimes, but is often hesitant to do so as Jelly Bean has memorized the song and will CHOMP Merrilee on the ear if even one note is played wrong. Jelly Bean also likes the Jelly Bean Song (lyrics below).
Jelly Bean you’re a flash of green Feathers shining like a jungle queen Sweet as honey till you change your tune
One moment kisses next you fight You’re sugar and spice with a sneaky bite
Oh Jelly Bean Jelly Bean
Prettiest bird I’ve ever seen
You’re a lover you’re a biter
Little chaos igniter
Oh Jelly Bean Jelly Bean
You perch so proud
Like you own the sky
Then swoop down low to steal my pie
Cheeky as the name you bear
You squawk you squabble
You strut you wobble
You’re a diva in a feathered disguise Tiny tyrant but I can’t say goodbye
Oh Jelly Bean Jelly Bean
Prettiest bird I’ve ever seen
You’re a lover you’re a biter
Little chaos igniter
Oh Jelly Bean Jelly Bean
Please do not attempt to sing.
EXCLUSIVE!
TWINS CLAIM TO BE GROWING MUSTACHES
John and David Warren, ages 10, claim to be growing microscopic mustaches. Their sister Merrilee was skeptical about this claim, but they insisted that it was true. One or both of them asked her to put an article about it in the newspaper, but John now denies that it was him. Merrilee hopes that they do not start wearing neckties and putting on top hats (like old-fashioned gentlemen). We suppose it is believable that they are growing mustaches given that they have not shaved in almost eleven years.
ASA QUOTE OF THE WEEK
“I’m two. But soon, I’m going to turn older. Then I’ll be one. And Baby Sister is one. But Sunny is zero. And Merrilee is one. And Mommy is one. And I eat spaghetti.”
—Asa, to the mail lady as she inno-cently drove by in her car.
DAD JOKE OF THE WEEK 😖
ADAPTED FROM A JOKE BY DAD (JOHN-DAVID) WARREN
A dad is giving his baby, who has just made a huge mess of her chili dinner and is so covered in beans that she is unrecognizable, a bath. Someone walks in and asks, “What is that thing?” The dad answers, “My limited edition bean-y baby.”
BIBLE VERSE OF THE WEEK
A cheerful heart is good medicine, but a crushed spirit dries up the bones.
—Proverbs 17:22
We think this verse means we are supposed to smile. Please smile! Yay! (Maybe this issue will make you smile.)
INTERVIEW WITH KOJI
It is time for an interview with everyone’s (or most people’s) favorite deer fawn! Experts are unsure whether Koji can talk or not.
Reporter: How did you become so adorable?
Koji: *flutters eyelashes*
Reporter: I bet everyone likes you, huh?
Koji: *mehhhs*
Reporter: What do you mean ‘not Sunny’?
Koji: *elegant leap*
Reporter: She doesn’t like your DEER KISSES? Why not?
Koji: *flicks tail*
Reporter: Don’t listen to her! Of course you’re not GROSS! Who could SAY that?
Koji: *fluffs pelt*
Reporter: ‘Sunny’? Yes, well, I suppose you’re technically right, but…
Koji: *bucks*
Reporter: The baby RIDES you? Oh no! Is she heavy?
Koji: *nuzzles reporter*
Reporter: If her mom holds on to her then what’s the point of her riding you?
Koji: MEHHHHH*
*Translation: There is none. Humans are weird.
Below: Koji (the deer, not the human)
BREAKING NEWS
WATER APPARENTLY ‘NOT WET’
According to Elliott Garrett, age 9, water is actually not wet. Apparently it just makes stuff wet somehow. Elliott insisted that rain is not wet. Of course if Elliott said it, it must be right (ask Miss Gena about the giraffe incident), so we looked it up and apparently ‘wet’ is when a liquid sticks to a solid surface, which would technically mean that water, in fact, is not actually wet. We are incredibly confused. What does this mean? Is fire not hot? Is ice not cold? Is Jelly Bean not chompy? Are goats not ESCAPE ARTISTS?!?! It seems that all the logic in the world is upside down. To learn more, contact shabbatgrouptimes@gmail.com.
INTERVIEW WITH ELLIOTT
Q: What is your favorite color?
A: I don’t know.
Q: What is your favorite animal?
A: Ummm…. let me think. Lemme think for a minute. Um… um… I don’t think I have one.
Q: What is your favorite food?
A: I like sushi, pizza, and Chinese food. Sushi, pizza, Chinese food.
Q: What’s your favorite dessert?
A: Lemme think. How about… I like ice cream, I like snow cones… I like snow cones, ice cream, what else… *inhales* what about… CHICKEN JOCKEY… no, doesn’t fit.
Q: Is it true water is not wet?
A: What do you think?
Q: Do you like Jelly Bean?
A: I do love to eat them. BUUUUT… a parrot… or a peacock… NOOOOO…. what is it CALLED?
Q: A green cheek conure.
A: Oh, I know what it is!
Q: What is it?
A: It’s a… raspberry! No…
Q: Who is your favorite pet?
A: Um, let me think for a minute. I don’t know. I mean, I have a dog named Ginger, and I have a dog named Rindercella, and I have a dog named Trigger, and I have a dog named River.
Q: What do you think of SGT?
A: Meh. Actually… let me think. It’s funny, hilarious, and it’s hall-air-ious.
INTERVIEW WITH JELLY BEAN
Today we will be interviewing Jelly Bean! Elliott Garrett will be asking her questions about herself, and she may answer with ruthless chomp-iness. Be warned—do not read this article if you are scared of Jelly Bean. (Read it no matter what)
Q: What’s your favorite snack?
A: *tilts head*
Translation: sunflower seeds
Q: How do you think about Merrilee?
A: Well. Um. Go around your neck and keep on biting your shirt.
Q: Um, what’s your favorite color?
A: *looks in all different directions*
Translation: green
Q: What’s your favorite person?
A: *looks down and nibbles at Merrilee’s arm*
Q: Um, lemme think. What’s your favorite kind of bird?
A: *stomps feet/talons*
Translation: me!
Q: What did you dream about recently?
A: *taps foot on beak*
Translation: chomping
Q: Which on do you like better: sunflower seeds or millet?
A: *runs away from John*
Translation: also sunflower seeds
Q: Who do you like better: Merrilee or Logan?
A: *cuddles up in Merrilee’s hair*
Translation: Merrilee’s better
INTERVIEW WITH HANNAH PREISSLER
Questions will, once again, be asked by Elliott. Prepare yourself…
Q: What’s your favorite color?
A: Pink!
Q: Can you read?
A: No
Q: What’s your favorite food?
A: My favorite food… is… PASTA!!!
Q: How about… what’s your favorite water park?
A: What’d you say?
Q: WHAT’S YOUR FAVORITE WATER PARK.
A: Um… it’s the water place at y’all home (taps Merrilee’s arm)
Merrilee: Aww! Our pool? 🙂
A: Yeah!
Q: What’s your favorite flower?
A: My favorite flower is a dandelion!
Asa: Yeah, the yellow ones are EDIBLE. If you just eat them with the grass on them, they’re SO good.
Q: Do you like Jelly Bean?
A: Yeah.
Asa: Inconceivable!
Q: Inconceivable!
A: Uhhhh… I don’t like it
Q: You are crazy!!!
*Hannah leaves*
BREAKING NEWS
Juicy juice. 100% Juice. No artificial flavors. Juicy Juice. Come and get yours today. We are looking at you Logan.
—Elliott
(This ad may or may not be true —Merrilee)
ELLIOTT’S NEWS SECTION
Breaking News
John is great at being a mouse and eating all the cheese {sooo sad}
–Elliott
Breaking News
Merrilee has a alien voice while talking to Jelly Bean. Then talking kind for some reason to ber. [Her]
–Elliott
Breaking News
Koji gone missing. Please help find him!!!
–Elliott
Breaking News
Jelly Bean attacks Elliott and acts coocoo [crazy]
EDITOR’S NOTE: Merrilee did not have anything to do with this section. She is not sure if some (or any) of it is true. John is not a mouse, Merrilee is not an alien, and Koji has not gone missing. She strongly advises that you do not rely on this section for real news.
BREAKING NEWS
We are in desperate need of breaking news. Please donate some breaking news now at shabbatgroup-times@gmail.com.
BREAKING NEWS
BURGLAR BREAKS INTO WARREN HOUSE
A small, fluffy, tawny burglar recently broke into the Warren family’s house demanding apples. He was unidentifiable because he was wearing a mask made of deer fur, but experts believe he may have been Koji. The burglar was so incredibly cute that the Warrens were forced to give in to his demands. If you see this burglar, please notify the police so they can fall in love with him.
AD
$1.00 for a invite to the Warrens house. There is a pool you can swim in it even in winter or fall.
Note: This ad is by Elliott and is not valid as it is not authorized by official SGT authorities.
BREAKING NEWS
BERRIES.
Merrilee Warren, age twelve, is quite interested in botany and has discovered some odd facts about berries. Below is a list of things that are not berries but most people think totally are berries.
- Strawberries
- Blackberries
- Raspberries
- Mulberries
Below is a list of things that ACTUALLY totally are berries (some of which may surprise you).
- Cucumbers (Merrilee’s favorite fruit and totally the awesomest thing ever (besides chickens))
- Avocados
- Tomatoes
- Eggplants
- Watermelons
- Pumpkins
- Peppers
- Bananas
- Oranges
- Limes
- Blueberries
- Pineapples
Logan denies that cucumbers are berries. Blueberries are also pretty much the only kind of ____berry that live up to their name.
EXCLUSIVE
Merrilee Warren, editor of Shabbat Group Times, would like to acknowledge that much of this issue was written by Elliott. We are very grateful for his help. Oh. Yes. And he can have some cookies. We are willing to overlook his history of ‘six-seven’ due to all the help he has given us.
AD
Juicy-Juice—100% juice. No artificial flavors or colors. Juicy-Juice— come and get yours today.
This ad was written (and performed) by Logan Tefft (EXTREMELY MANY TIMES so that all who heard him were driven to the point of MADNESS)
BREAKING NEWS
MERRILEE IGNORES SIX-SEVEN
Merrilee Warren, age 12, has decided that she is going to ignore it when people say ‘six-seven’. She has noticed that it is even more annoying when people make a big deal out of ‘six-seven’ then when people actually say it, and also when you start yelling at someone who says six-seven you are giving them exactly what they are looking for. They still will not get cookies, however, to discourage the use of this annoying phrase, because Merrilee is tired of having Sunny growl at her whenever she says ‘six-seven’ (which she only does when she needs to, like saying the scores of games and things), so she will no longer act like six-seven exists.
Note: Google, however, fully embraces the use of six-seven and whenever you search ‘6-7′, ’67’, ‘six-seven’, or things related to six-seven, the screen shakes up and down in reference to the odd hand motions people do when saying ‘six-seven’. Dictionary.com also named ’67’ its word of the year (look it up!).
BIBLE TRIVIA
Welcome to the Bible Trivia section! Write your answer on the line below each question and then check your answers on page B4. Do not cheat! It is not really Bible Trivia if you look at the answers before completing each question. Each question you get right is one point. Bonus questions are worth two points each.
1: What man is famous because he would have nothing to do with the apostle John?
1 Bonus: List another another slightly less famous man for this act for two bonus points!
2: Who pretended to be mad to avoid capture and death at the hands of an enemy king?
2 Bonus: Who was cursed by God to live like a wild animal and eat grass for seven years? (Correct spelling encouraged but not required)
3: Who was the grandson of Samuel?
3 Bonus: How many kings of Israel did Samuel anoint?
4: Who was the high priest during the prophet Zechariah’s time?
4 Bonus: How many times total did Joshua march his troops around the city of Jericho?
5: Where did the Pharisees claim Yeshua got His power from?
5 Bonus: Who did Yeshua really get his power from?
6: What woman was raised from the dead by Peter through the Spirit of God?
6 Bonus: What was the name of the man Paul brought back from the dead in Acts 20?
7: Philip was instructed by an angel to go south from Jerusalem along a road that led to what other city?
7 Bonus: What was the first city Philip went to on his journey to preach about YHWH?
8: How many of the ten healed lepers turned back to thank Yeshua for healing them?
8 Bonus: What was the last recorded miracle Yeshua performed?
9: How many times does the phrase ‘fear not’ appear in the Bible?
9 Bonus: In what year was the version of the Bible printed that accidentally stated ‘Thou shalt commit adultery’?
10: What is the reference for the shortest verse in the Bible (Yeshua wept)?
10 Bonus: What is the reference for the longest verse in the Bible?
BIBLE TRIVIA ANSWERS (no peeking!)
1: Cerinthus
1 Bonus: Diotrephes
2: David
2 Bonus: Nebuchadnezzar
3: Heman
3 Bonus: 2
4: Joshua
4 Bonus: 13
5: Beezlebub
5 Bonus: YHWH
6: Tabitha (Dorcas)
6 Bonus: Eutychus
7: Gaza
7 Bonus: Samaria
8: 1
8 Bonus: His resurrection
9: 365 times
9 Bonus: 1631
10: John 11:35
10 Bonus: Esther 8:9
If you scored…
30-25 points: INCONCEIVABLE!
25-20 points: Amazing
20-15 points: Great
15-10 points: Good
10-5 points: Fair
5-0 points: Poor
If you scored Amazing or INCONCEIVABLE!, send in your score to our email address and get extra cookie privileges! (Please do not lie about your score!) If you score INCONCEIVABLE! your name will be mentioned in the next issue.
COOKIE VOTE RESULTS
After counting up the votes for favorite cookie flavors, s’mores cookies won by one vote, with seven votes total. Peppermint hot chocolate came in second, with six votes. These will be the two flavors that Merrilee will start making for Shabbat group. Thank you for sending in your votes!
EXCLUSIVE!
PREVIEW OF A STORY BY JOHN WARREN
“FREE JACK!” I yell as I kick the football into the pool. Logan pretends to jump into the pool while Elliott grabs the net to fish the ball out and David tries to push Logan into the pool.
CLOSING:
We had a great day playing with our friends.
This is a preview of a story by John Warren, age 10, telling about the first-ever Shabbat group at the Warren family’s house. It will be featured next week’s issue. Do not miss it! It seems like it will be quite interesting.
SHABBAT GROUP TIMES
WORD OF THE WEEK
The word of the week this week is Toowzin, a word invented by Alfonzo Doodlé, one of the Carriere family’s dogs (see Issue 4, page C5). Rather like discoballiqualified, toowzin can mean anything you want it to mean and it is commonly used as an insult. (Please do not actually insult anyone. Everybody BE NICE!)
BREAKING NEWS
PLEASE send us breaking news. The newspaper will not survive if it does not have breaking news.